Empty Phrases

Often when we write a query, we want to be clever. We want to be mysterious. We want to entice the reader with things that keep them guessing. And these are all great things to strive for. However, sometimes in a query we write a phrase that sounds great to us, but it leaves the reader confused and with little information. For instance, what does mostly dead mean anyways?

These phrases that are vague and confusing are called empty phrases. Because they are exactly that—empty, devoid of important information that would help the reader become interested in your story. And there are many reasons to avoid empty phrases.

They Waste Space

When you write a query letter you only have a couple paragraphs to clearly explain your story. When you use an empty phrase it tells the reader nothing. Even worse, you could have spent that valuable query letter real estate actually explaining what changed, the big secret, the difficult obstacle, or what was bad enough. Explain your story.

It’s Telling not Showing

Empty phrases tell the reader how they are supposed to feel and react rather than giving them an example of what happens and letting those feelings happen organically. Instead of making a point clear, they just leave the reader wondering and confused about the specifics.

They Don’t Have Details 

When you write empty phrases you often think you are being a little mysterious about the plot, and are therefore exciting or enticing the reader. The problem is you are doing the opposite. Empty phrases are vague and tend to turn off the reader. You are better off using specific details to set your story apart from everyone else. If your story doesn’t sound unique, a reader is going to give up.

They’re cliché

Empty phrases tend to be commonplace and overused statements. They aren’t overly creative. And why would you want your story to sound like everyone else’s? Make your story stand out.

So how do you get rid of empty phrases in your story? 

 

Okay not really. Sure empty phrases are hugely disappointing for a reader, but don’t lose hope. There are many ways to eliminate them. You start by going back to the details and focusing on what sets your story apart. You show the reader instead of telling.

Here are some examples of empty phrases, and what you might do to replace them with better story related information.

He soon learns: Rather than waste space, just show the reader what happens. What the character “learns” should come through in the story, not be forced down the readers throat. Stick to what actually happens and what “he learns” will become apparent on its own.

With nothing holding her back: If there’s nothing holding her back, where’s the story? Show the conflict and the problem the character is facing. Let the reader see the dilemma. Then you’ll have something that will entice readers.

However, fate has other plans: Well that’s great for fate, but what happened to the character? Tell the reader the details and leave fate out of it!

As if that wasn’t bad enough: If you’ve done your job right in a query letter, you won’t need to say this at all. It will be obvious the situation is bad. And as you continue to walk the reader through the conflict, you will show how things are about to get worse.

Life is turned upside down: Literally? Well that’s sort of crazy… Okay, I’m sure you don’t mean literally, but what happened to the main character? What horrible thing made life so unbearable? Give the reader details, then you’ll have something compelling.

Encountering multiple obstacles: Well, every main character encounters obstacles, but what specifically does your character have to deal with? Someone literally blocking your path is very different than dealing with death, or the fact that you have detention and you can’t go to that awesome concert. Those are all very different stories. So think about what specific thing is standing in the way of what your character wants and then use that detail to show the reader the problem.

A horrible secret: We all have secrets. But the drama and tension begins when we know someone else is hiding something from us. And while we may not know what the secret is exactly, we all have ideas on what those secrets might pertain to. So when you go into the details, the secrets start carrying weight. Only then are they truly interesting.

And then everything changed: Really? Stuff changes all the time. The leaves change colors, the weather changes, we change clothes, we change jobs, classes, you name it. What changed for your main character? Just say it, don’t waste the reader’s time saying everything changed because it’s probably unlikely that everything is different. Some things will always stay the same.

 

Yes, yes, you do! So when you write a query, show that you are smart. Show the details of your story. Show what sets it apart. And use that valuable space to make that query shine with specific, interesting details! What empty phrases have you or others used, and how did you get rid of them?

Howdy! Heck Yeah, I Write Middle Grade. Here's Why...

  I can remember the first sentence I ever wrote. I wrote it on an old cigar box in my backyard in Billings, Montana, when I was in kindergarten. Just three words, plus punctuation: “Do you hit?”        That's it. It was accompanied by a fairly violent stick figure drawing that is really the peak of my career as an illustrator.

   I don't remember why I wrote that sentence, or where it came from. But I remember vividly the exploding lightbulbs in my brain. I had written a sentence. Me. By myself. I'd long known that letters make sounds, of course, and that letters could be arranged into words (including my favorite at the time: “poop.” Instant humor! Hilarious every time!). But not until I scrawled those three questioning words had it occurred to me that I – me, the skinny shy kid whose family moved every year – could hook those words together into sentences. Sentences that actually said something, and meant something. Statements. Questions. Stories. Whatever idea I could come up with in my head, I could make real right there in shaky, clumsy letters for the world to see. I could convey meaning. From that moment on, I was hooked.

 
 Fast forward thirty years or so to today. I still put letters together to make words, and then string those words together to create sentences – but now I'm lucky to be able to weave all those sentences together into something even better: books. (I still draw mostly in stick figures, but that's a different story).

My first book,  The Honest Truth, will be published by Scholastic Press in January 2015 (you can win an Advanced Copy in the Rafflecopter at the end of this blog!). It's a middle grade novel about a boy and his dog and an adventure and a super-serious sickness. It means a lot to me and deals with big, life-and-death issues – and it's written for 9-13 year olds.

   Why? Why do I write middle grade novels? I didn't start as a middle grade writer; the first book I wrote was a (completely unreadable, terrible, exhausting, repellent, atrocious) novel for adults that was and never will be published or read or even printed out. Why did I start writing books for kids?

 
The short answer: because middle grade books are awesome. And middle grade readers are awesome.

   The longer answer: about nine years ago I got a job as a teacher-librarian in a K-5 elementary school in north central Washington. It had been years – decades, maybe – since I'd read a middle grade book. Of course, once I got the job I had to jump into reading a whole bunch of middle grade books to, you know, be competent at my job.

   And, man. Just so much awesome. I'd forgotten the pure joy of a great middle grade book. The thrill. The hilarity. The anguish. I sobbed my way (again) through the ending of The Bridge to Terabithia. I got goosebumps reading Wait Til Helen Comes. I stayed up way too late reading Hatchet.

   And all that was just re-reading my childhood favorites. I leapt into newer stuff and was stoked to discover how incredible and varied and vibrant the world of middle grade literature had become. Gaiman's The Graveyard Book, Creech's Walk Two Moons, Angleberger's The Strange Case of Origami Yoda, Erskine's Mockingbird, Buckingham's The Dead Boys, Curtis's The Watsons Go To Birmingham...I'll just stop now. The books are just utterly wonderful.

   And the readers! No one loves a book as much as a kid when they find just the right story. No one gets as excited, as rapt, as heartbroken. It is such a joyous honor to get to share great books with great kids every day. I'll never forget a student who told me with tears in her eyes that she didn't want to read the last Harry Potter book. When I asked her why, she took a shaky breath, then said with true mourning in her voice: “Because then it'll be over, Mr. G.” Totally, kid.

   So I started writing middle grade books. And I've never looked back. Because middle grade is, to me, just the best. It's a wonderful world to be a part of. And I truly look forward to exploring and sharing and connecting with it even more here at Middle Grade Minded.

So...wanna win a free advanced copy of my upcoming middle grade book, The Honest Truth? The Rafflecopter is all warmed up and ready to take off...jump on board!

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THE BEEF JERKY GANG by Daniel Kenney

The Announcement - I am thrilled to announce that as of Monday, The Beef Jerky Gang is officially out in the world! People interested in buying either the e-book or print book can find it now on Amazon.

BUY NOW ON AMAZON!
The Beef Jerky Gang: Book Description

Age Level: 9 - 13 | Grade Level: 3 - 7
When Peter Mills descends into the creepy basement of Finley Junior High, he discovers a dark and twisted truth: girls haven’t always ruled the world.

Now armed with a book of ancient, forbidden man secrets (such as how to make paper airplanes, stink bombs, and beef jerky), Peter and his friends think they’ve found the recipe to changing their lives. But the boys of the Beef Jerky Gang will soon find out that the girls aren’t about to give up control to a bunch of prank-pulling punks.

Join Peter and his friends in this hilarious first book of the Beef Jerky Gang series.

 

With The Beef Jerky Gang, I set out to write a book that would both entertain my boys (Isaac 12, Jude 10, Brendan 9, Daniel 7) while still appealing to my daughter (Anna 13). I think the book manages to do that but when I'm asked, I tell people the book is probably most perfect for the 10 or 11 year old boy. If you've got kids in this range, I'd be thrilled if you gave the book a try. If you have friends or family with kids in this range, I'd be honored if you told them about it.

What I'm Working On Next - The second installment in The Beef Jerky Gang will come out in April but I'm working right now on finalizing everything for the first installment of a book called The Math Inspectors. It's about a group of kids in the fictional town of Ravensburg, New York who love math and use their curiosity and mad math skills to help solve crimes around town. Should be out in late November or early December.

I'm also working on revisions for a story called Curial Diggs that I'm insanely excited about. This is a project that is near and dear to my heart and hoping very much it will find its way into the world so all of you can meet Curial some day.

Thanks again for letting me make my big announcement and once again, if The Beef Jerky Gang sounds like the kind of thing your family might enjoy, please consider picking up a copy. Thank you!

BUY THE BEEF JERKY GANG ON AMAZON

Author Website 

Twitter - @danielkenney

Writer Process Blog Tour

One of my Middle-Grade Minded Blog buddies, Tom Mulroy, invited me be part of the Writing Process Blog Tour. If you aren’t familiar with this super-cool tour, it involves different writers responding to questions about their writing process, then passing the same question on to other writers, and so on. Writing and talking about writing are two of my favorite things to do so I jumped on board… or blog… hmmm.

And here are the questions Tom handed off to me, with my answers.

What are you working on?
What’s getting the most attention right now is a story I previously wrote as a YA and am changing to MG. It’s about a girl named Robin who has perfected the act of being someone she isn’t.  When one of her best friends from elementary school, Dani, is selected as the new target for her “friends” to pick on and tear down, Robin figures out a way to help her old friend best her current friends by preparing Dani for what they'll say, what they'll do and how to beat them to the punch. What started as a one-time project rapidly multiplies with requests from girls that want her to help them, too. When Robin’s popular-or-die friends hear the buzz about the Robin Hood Club and her clients, especially Dani, push Robin to choose one side or the other, Robin is forced to confront warring loyalties and decide for herself who she really is.

How does your work differ from others of its genre?
Most of my stories are based on at least a thread of something that happened to me.  I have never written a novel without including some of my real-life experiences.  My characters are typically girls who clumsily trip through life, bouncing from mistake to mistake, to figure out who they really are and what they stand for.

Why do you write what you do?
I’ve been a teacher of students ranging in age from 7 – 18. Watching them struggle with every day problems and much bigger, life-altering problems, fuels me to help people find their own gifts and strengths and purpose… and that what you’ve survived is never an excuse for giving up on yourself.  

Also, someone once told me that writing was just a hobby and I’ve spend every day since then proving that person wrong.  

How does your writing process work?
You’re probably going to want to skip over this because… my process? It’s a P-R-O-C-E-S-S! And I’m pretty sure I’m the only who gets excited talking about it.  But if you’re game, it goes something like this:

• Cool idea gets me excited about a new story.
• Title. I have to have some sort of working title before I can move on.  I will seriously not write a single word until I have this.
• Character names! I love and hate this process, but the names – like the title – have to fit my characters.
• Story development (the REAL work).

• I break the story in the quarters. In each quarter, I write some things that will happen and the turning point that leads to the next quarter. This involves chart paper, markers, and sticky notes, so I am very, very happy during this process. 
• I then break down each quarter into chapters and write a quick description of each chapter.
• Then… yes there’s more… then I break it down into scenes. 
• At that point, I generally create a rough synopsis and then…. THEN I BEGIN WRITING!
• I have some great critique partners that are also some of my best friends and they keep me (and my story) in line.  So, I give them a chance to make it better.
• I write a really clean first draft, so my revisions are almost 100% story-related (characters who don’t make sense or who show up out of no where and why is there a pelican on your porch in Denver?)
• I revisit the synopsis and make it more detailed and accurate.
• From there, it goes to my agent, who then reminds me I’m nothing without her and makes the story even better!

The most frequently asked question I get is how long it takes me to write a book. When I finally quit coloring and spreading colorful sticky-notes on chart after chart, I write quickly.  All three of my published novels have been written and edited and ready for submission in less than 2 months.

The next most frequently asked question (by MG readers) is how it feels to be famous.  Is it rude to laugh when people ask me that? I’m pretty sure it’s rude.  But I’m even surer that the truth about how “unfamous” I really am will only quell their memory of meeting a “real author.”

If you have some fun answers that I could use instead of rude, obnoxious laughter, please, please, please leave a comment below and I’ll enter you into a drawing for my July MG release with Aladdin, The XYZs of Being Wicked.

OMEGA CITY COVER REVEAL

Today we have the AWESOME cover reveal of Omega City by Diana Peterfreund. Check out the exclusive excerpt below then scroll down for the beautiful cover to this amazing sounding book!

OMEGA CITY

Gillian Seagret doesn't listen to people who say her father's a crackpot. His conspiracy theories about the lost technology of Cold War-era rocket scientist Dr. Aloysius Underberg may have cost him his job and forced the family to move to a cottage in the sticks, but Gillian knows he's right, and plans to prove it.

When she discovers a missing page from Dr. Unerberg's diary in her father's mess of an office, she thinks she's found a big piece of the puzzle--a space-themed riddle promising to lead to Dr. Underberg's greatest invention. Enlisting the help of her skeptical younger brother, Eric, her best friend, Savannah, and Howard, their NASA-obsessed schoolmate, Gillian sets off into the ruins of a vast doomsday bunker, deep within the earth.

But they aren't alone inside its dark and flooded halls. Now Gillian and her friends must race to explore OMEGA CITY and find the answers they need. For while Gillian wants to save her dad's reputation by bringing Dr. Underberg's secrets to light, there are others who will stop at nothing to make sure they stay buried...forever.

An exclusive excerpt from OMEGA CITY:

 THE WORLD BELOW

I can’t tell you who started screaming first. Truthfully, it might have been me.

But after a few seconds of shrieking ourselves hoarse, we sort of tapered off. After all, it wasn’t a roller coaster, dropping us down into nothingness. More like . . . an elevator, clanking us down in slow, steady fashion. And who screams in an elevator?

This one apparently came complete with elevator music. A tinny, tinkling melody started playing, and we all quit shouting “Help!” and “Stop!” And “Howard! What did you do?”—that one was Nate and Savannah, combined—to listen.

We were only a few stories down when the music was replaced by words.

“Greetings, survivors!” said a cheery man’s voice.

Survivors? It was tough to see my friends’ faces in the pale running lights. But since we’d all gone from screaming our heads off to shocked silence, I imagined they were making the same face I could feel I was. Eyes wide, mouth wider.

The voice went on, as calm and carefree as ever:

Congratulations on escaping the attack, plague, or natural disaster that has brought you here. Our condolences on the family members and/or appendages you may have lost during the end of the world.

“The end of the world?” Savannah choked out.

“Appendages?” bleated Eric.

Rest assured, you have reached safety.

We would like to take this opportunity to remind you that pets, plague-infected persons, enemy combatants, and firearms are not permitted entrance. Please terminate or discard these items before your descent.

The music started up again, no doubt meant to accompany our efforts to do whatever it might take to . . . discard our pets or plague-infected loved ones. Down and down we went, as the music looped through the speakers and echoed up into the endless tunnel that we could still make out beyond the metal grid at the top of the elevator. We all stared up into the shaft as it receded into shadow and we descended deeper into the Earth.

“What’s happening?” Sav asked. “Where are we?”

We all looked at Howard, but he was staring through the grate above our heads as if it would provide some sort of answer.

“Gillian?” Eric prompted.

I shook my head. This wasn’t in Dad’s book. I don’t think this was even in Dad’s world. And still, we went down.

Finally, with another enormous grinding of gears and screaming metal, the elevator touched the ground. The music morphed into a brassy little fanfare, like we were about to meet a king, and the disembodied voice said:

Welcome . . . to Omega City.

And now... Check out this gorgeous cover!

Awesome cover right? Omega City releases from Balzer+Bray on April 28, 2015. Check out the pre-order links below!

Author Bio:

Diana Peterfreund is the author of many books for adults and chidren, including the critically acclaimed For Darkness Shows the Stars and Across a Star-Swept Sea. She lives with her family outside Washington, D.C. in a house full of bookshelves, and is always on the lookout for lost cities and stray rocketships. Find out more about Diana and her books at http://www.dianapeterfreund.com.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/diana.peterfreund
Twitter: https://twitter.com/dpeterfreund

Pre-order links:

Indiebound: http://smarturl.it/indOmegaCity

Amazon: http://smarturl.it/Ocamazon

Barnes & Noble: http://smarturl.it/OCBarnes

Apple iBooks: http://smarturl.it/ApOmegaCity

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18072748-omega-city

Want to Develop Your Own Voice?

Want to develop your own voice?  Steal somebody else's first

For some reason, what is perfectly normal and reasonable in one area of the arts, no, in every area of the arts, seems strange and dirty for many writers. When somebody first learns to play the guitar, they learn to do so by copying somebody else. It might start by having a buddy show you how to play a particular chord but eventually it moves on to, 'I want to learn how to play the Deep Purple Solo' just like Deep Purple did.

Nobody balks at this. Nobody says, 'hey there pal, wait a second...you can't copy the Deep Purple solo because well, it's there's and that would be cheating.'  Nope, instead a famous guitar solo, piano solo, fiddle solo (whatever) is held up as something that people want to copy, are encouraged to copy in order that people can learn to play well.

We need to do this more in writing. Particularly when people are struggling with the concept of authorial voice or style.

So clearly, writing a book about a boy named Barry who wants to grow up to be a Fizard and goes to a school named Bogwarts, is not what I'm talking about. But if you look at how Rowling crafts her dialogue, the kind of humor she uses, the sound of her sentences...and you try to copy the style of that in your own words? What could possibly be wrong with that?

If you've never written a story that sounds like a Roald Dahl story (and you almost certainly have not) then give it a try. If you've never written a story that sounds like Judy Blume, then absolutely give it a try. Take a look at the great authorial solos within the children's book world. Copy their styles, their voices.

And you know what happens? Paul McCartney may have learned to play guitar by listening to the great guitar soloists before him, but Paul McCartney sounds like himself. The Edge from U2 may have learned to play guitar partly by listening to Paul McCartney and yet The Edge sounds like himself. Alison Krauss may have grown up listening to Patsy Cline, and Dolly Parton and Loretta Lynn, and yet Alison Krauss sounds just like herself.

So if you're struggling figuring out your unique authorial voice and style, try copying a few others first. Eventually, you'll learn to sound just like yourself.