What are you even doing?

The end is near. The end of 2019, that is. Have you taken stock of what's important? I have.

Right now I'm holding a doll. A doll my kindergartener gave me with instructions to "hold her while she sleeps." And as I type these words, I hear in the background my twelve-year-old son (today is his birthday) giving instructions to his new game Exploding Kittens. My 16yo son is practicing vocals for the high school musical tryouts for West Side Story. My second grade daughter squeals as she practices handstands for tumbling, and Mom is asking all the kids about their day at school. My teenage girls are scrolling their screens and watching God knows what!

Sometimes I lose myself. This blogpost deadline came around so fast, I can hardly believe it. Since my last post, we buried my father-in-law, had a blizzard that cancelled our Thanksgiving travel plans to see family, found lice in one of our children's hair, and I only wrote a few thousand new words (including a picture book manuscript). Wow. I'm getting tired.

Sometimes I wonder if I can offer useful advice through our blog. My craft understanding took a big leap when I got into Pitchwars in 2018, but I still am in the early stages of my understanding of writing a complete novel. But bear with me. Because, I can offer something useful.

Still, I have to be honest. Trying to write full-time while managing a busy family of nine sometimes pushes me close to the depressive episodes I've struggled with in years past. This is where I am right now.

While I want to write awesome and unputdownable middle grade stories, I need to recognize the real life demands I face. As a husband to a successful physician (Chief of staff and director of OB at our regional hospital) and wonderful mother, I owe her and our children my fullest attention. My writing will continue, as I can fit it in (I have seven full manuscripts of my 2018 Pitchwars novel out with agents and am working on several new manuscripts), but I am first and foremost a husband and father. I will not cede those responsibilities to others.

Please remember that you are not your writing. You are more than what other people think of your writing - or any of your accomplishments for that matter. I'm trying to remember that too. And though the writing dream lives within me, I will remember everything that's important to me. I hope you will too.

This may be my last blog post for a while, but I'll keep my writing dreams alive. Please keep your dreams alive, too. As this year comes to an end, remember that you are more than any one label you or anyone else might apply. You are an individual. You are capable of great things. Follow your heart. Listen to it. Trust it. You will be fine. So will I.

Rob

Dear Writer, Be Healthy

You're a writer. You make time to write even if your life is busy. It's what you do. I applaud you for that. And now it's confession time.

I don't write every day. I don't even read every day.

I'd like to write and read every day. But I don't. Not anymore. These days, I try to give myself a little more balance. I try to keep my personal priorities straight. (God knows with seven active school-age children I'm lucky to not forget who goes where when. I mean, there's dance, baseball, tennis, horseback-riding, Jiu Jitsu, etc...)

Writing and reading are fit into my busy and ever-changing schedule as necessary. Yeah, I'm a slow writer, and tend to knock off chunks of projects at a time when I can. But not at the cost of family time or my own personal health anymore.

I learned that the hard way. Ever since a depression diagnosis a few years ago, I've struggled at times with the things I love.

I've learned, and I hope you will too, that taking care of yourself is the only way you can continue to do the things you love. The only way you can be your best self. The only way you can give yourself a chance to write - or do anything you enjoy.

When my depression took hold, it wrecked my ability to do the things I'd enjoyed. And it took the joy from all the things I did.

Lucky for me, my wife is a physician. She recognized that I was in trouble and she helped me get the care I needed.

Give yourself permission to take a break now and then. Maybe even move your bar a little if you're feeling overwhelmed with the demands you put on yourself. Step back. Be still. Shut out the noise. Then try to listen to yourself. And by all means, reach out for help or guidance if you are uneasy and think you might be in an unhealthy situation.

There is no limit to the number of barriers, obstacles, and distractions that can keep us from writing - or living the life we should live. That will probably always be true. But please, bear in mind what's at stake when your life feels out of balance. Find yourself again. Be you. Be the best you that you can be.

Also, I love you. I hope you write the best book you can write and that I get to read it someday. And I hope you will take care of yourself so that can happen. I'm rooting for you.

Take care,

Rob

Hard-to-take critiques

Every new contest brings a lot of emotions. Some good, some not so good. Too many hopefuls are riddled with strong feelings of disappointment and heartache. Even worse are the ones that allow sticky feelings like anger to take over. 

What we do is so personal, so it’s very hard not take rejection personally.

Because no one likes to hear that they’re not on the right track, especially when the feedback we get was something we so didn’t expect.

First reaction: Denial.

“No, that’s not true. They just don’t get it. They’re WRONG!”

Yeah, maybe that’s true. They could be wrong. But you should never assume they’re wrong. There is always something important to learn from another person’s perspective. Even if it just means being prepared for more of the same perspective later.

Second reaction: Anger

"How could they say that? They’re just jealous fools! I hate them"

Sure, there are the occasional times where a critique isn’t fair. You hit a sore spot with a reviewer. They were in a REALLY bad mood when they read your work. They really like making people angry.

Or… maybe you’re just not thinking clearly. Maybe your own emotions are too high to really get it right now.

Third Reaction: Bargaining

“No, no! They just didn’t read it right. See this makes sense because I said this. If you knew this about my character you wouldn’t ever have thought that!”

Okay, now you’re just making excuses. It’s your job to make sure they are getting it. If they aren’t, there may be something you can do to fix that.

Fourth Reaction: Depression

"I suck. I’m horrible. I’m never going to get anywhere!"

No. You just have more to learn. There is ALWAYS more to learn.

All the above reactions are normal and natural, but they’re not rational. Sometimes the truth in those comments don’t sink in at first.

What you should do: Stop!

Do not react, at least not publicly. Let the words settle. ESPECIALLY when it comes from an agent or editor. DO NOT respond right away if you’re feeling any strong emotions.

Sometimes what you think is an acceptable response can come off way different when you’re upset. So just give yourself time to cope and accept it. Let yourself freak out, become angry, sad, whatever it is, on your own. THEN respond (or don’t, depending).

You are completely welcome to disagree with the feedback you received—so long as that is a rational response, after you’ve taken some time to understand what the review is really saying.

You might be able to guess the next step on the list of reactions of hard-to-take critiques. 

Reaction Five: Acceptance

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Acceptance can come in a lot of different forms. It doesn't just mean "Yes! They're totally right!" It could also mean, "Okay, I see why they said that. I just don't agree." or even, "I see what they're saying but I'm not sure I agree yet. Maybe I should get another opinion."

 

The point is taking a good long look at the feedback both to understand what the reader is really saying and to decide if it is really something you want to use. Not all critiques are correct. A lot of them are simply opinion. But so long as you are look the at feedback in a rational way, you are totally good to go.

This is where we all want to be. Rationally prepared to take on the critique and make ourselves better. Now it’s time to learn something!